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Life or something like it....

This blog should probably have a subtitle of 'or why I hate my life'

I think I posted about a year ago about losing a friend who couldn't (or wouldn't) understand my work/life situation. At the moment I think I'm on the verge of losing a few more and that really upsets me. That I'll lose friend and that people just can't understand.

It's getting to a crucial stage in the PhD, if I want to get it done I need to get my head down and work. That's going to mean not socialising (such as I do anyway) it's going to mean cutting working hours (which cuts out on socialising) and in general it's going to mean I'm fairly stressed and unfocused when it comes to other things. I know this. I can explain this to people and genuine friends will understand, others wont. And that makes me very sad.

What frustrates me even more is the financial/work situation. I work a lot of hours, I teach (which isn't just about hours in front of students its planning, marking, meetings, and so on) I work evenings and weekends and holidays in a theatre, I work in student support in exam time. And oh yes my PhD is full time. Basically I'm working beyond full time. But for little money. I'll lay it out-my total income last year when you take out the money I pay back to the University for tuition was less than the income tax threshold.

What that means in real terms is I work all the hours I physically can and still earn less than half of most of my friends. That is apart from the arty types of share my predicament of needing to supplement their 'real' work (and still not earning much)

And then there's those who look down on me for what I do, that I have a job that involves wearing a uniform and serving the public. Who think I'm some kind of lazy student at 28 or who don't understand that at once I am a lecturer, a professional well regarded job, but as well that I'm a student and a person who wears a uniform to serve the public.

And you know what? right now I hate my life. I hate that I have no money and no time and the way things are going very soon no friends. That nobody seems to understand this is how my life is. And to cap it all off  by being so upset about all this I've lost a morning's work on the thing that all this is in aid of because I've spent it crying or making useless blog posts about it.

Life is not so much a catch 22 but a hamster wheel of doom. Though I suspect hamsters in their sweet rodenty ignorance are generally happier with their lot. And have little hamster friends to play with.


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