Skip to main content

Not so happy holiday

So any of you who have been following this blog or listening to me moan over the last few weeks will know about my New York travel saga. Short version: internship I thought I had fell through at the last minute, I changed my plans and am now going for less time. In theory to get some research done and also have a holiday.

But here's the thing: I really don't want to go. I know it sounds ungrateful and childish to say just because what I wanted to happen isn't. But it isn't just that, I wasn't looking forward to it anyway. I've spent the last four or five months having increasingly frequent moments of utter dread at going. I don't know why, but I just never was as enthusiastic as everyone else seemed to be. But everyone told me it was an amazing opportunity I couldn't turn down, and they weren't wrong had it happened. But it hasn't and that has just amplified the feeling.

So now I really wish I didn't have to go at all. And it feels like a 'have to'. And that isn't like me, I love New York, this will be something like the 10th or 11th time I've been but I just don't want to go. It's a combination of disappointment at what's happened but that feeling that I wasn't looking forward to it anyway.

It just feels like the whole thing is against me: travel is a nightmare because of the Olympics, everything that could go wrong with those arrangements has. Also theatre-always a big part of the reason I want to go to NY there is nothing, and I mean nothing that gets me excited. Broadway is filled with UK exports at the moment-things I've seen or could have seen and decided not to. And even if I did want to see anything, I couldn't afford the ticket prices anyway. So all that way and not really any theatre to look forward to. Sure I'll go to some things, if I can get cheaper tickets but I'll resent the one expensive ticket to something I didn't want to see that much which could have bought me two or more tickets in London for things I really want to see.

I'm sure I'll get some work done, I'm sure I'll enjoy having some peace and quiet and I'm sure I'll enjoy some of it. But I feel like I shouldn't be desperately grasping at things that will be 'not too bad' about it. But I am-and aside from the feelings I had anyway it's a massive loss of time (see last week's blog for thoughts on lack of time) and money. I know it's terribly vulgar and un-British to talk about money but I don't have much. This trip was a massive investment of money that I frankly didn't/don't have but I was persuaded (and helped out by my Mum) because it was such an opportunity. It was only the combination of internship and research that made the investment (and further debt on my part) worth it, for the research alone I'd have said 'it would be nice but it's not possible'. So not only is it a massive financial hit (plus the additional money lost by having to change plans)  but I don't have the money to go out and do what I want when I'm there. And I no longer believe it was worth it ever, certainly not now. The additional research will be nice, it'll help but it's not necessary really, or not necessary enough.

I know it makes me sounds spoiled and a brat, that I should complain about going to NY. But that's exactly why I feel so awful-I should be excited regardless, I should be looking forward to it. Believe me I've tried, but I can't. I can't muster any enthusiasm I just feel slightly sick at the thought of going.


  1. Doesn't sound like a spoiled brat at all. Completely understand. I bet you'll be fine once you get there. I'm just sorry I won't be able to see you on this side of the ocean for a change. Hang Tough!!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Theatre Fangirls (here we go again)

There's some arguments that come around and you think 'really? we're still talking about this?' but also you're not really surprised.

So when it was annoucned Tom Hiddleston was teaming up with Kenneth Brannagh for a production of Hamlet, it was inevitable that the cries of  'Silly fangirls' began. Once again we're confronted with comments that girls 'Only want to see it because he's in it' and 'Aren't interested in the play'.

And because I am a woman, therefore incapable of thinking of him other than in terms of his he above with a cat looking cute.

But just like Mr H there is both petting a cat, reading a newspaper and looking brooding, I'd like to point out that it's entierly possible to be interested in more than one aspect of a thing at the same time. And secondly I say so what the audience is just there to look at his cheekbones?

I don't have a horse in this race. I think Hiddles is a damn good ac…

Why Elliott & Harper is the company I've been waiting for

I can never resist a good (bad) pun in a title. As the first production from Elliott & Harper opens its doors for previews tonight, it’s worth pausing to think what this new production company means and why indeed we need more like it. Something of a ‘power house’ company formed of Marianne Elliott and Chris Harper. Both coming from the National Theatre- as Director and Producer respectively- there’s a real understanding of both the craft of theatre and the audiences that do- and don’t- come to it there. And theatre made by and produced by theatre people, in the commercial realm. That’s potentially very exciting.

Firstly, the act of two theatre people who really love theatre, really understand theatre both from an audience point of view and an artistic point of view. Secondly, one of the UK’s best directors striking out on her own to make theatre on her own terms. Thirdly, and you bet it’s an important factor, a woman artistic director. It’s all exciting, and has the potential, …

Holding the Man (some thoughts, not a review)

This isn't a 'review' because I saw this too close to the end of the run, but some plays make you want to put pen to paper regardless. It's also not a review, as this is filled with the kind of personal anecdotal nonsense that people tell me doesn't belong in my blog.

Well screw that, this is my blog, and for this one I'm writing it how I'd like.

A little background. For anyone who doesn't know me, I wrote my PhD in what essentially translates to 'Plays about AIDS'. There's a far more sophisticated description. But for the purposes of today, that about covers it. For anyone who wants more of that nonsense, my side blog is here

I started my PhD in September 2010. In June 2010 (June 21st, I looked it up. Yes I keep a list) I saw 'Holding the Man' for the first time. I actually had no idea what it was about going in, I was actually just a bit obsessed with Simon Burke at the time so booked to see him (what of it?). And so by accident …