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Enough now, enough

I may not promote this post in the way I normally do, because oddly it's a lot more personal than I normally write. But not wanting to shout this to my facebook etc here seemed as good a place as any.

 Today I stalked my ex on livejournal. I've always been deliberatly obtuse on specifcs of my life here, but lets just say there's only one signficant ex and leave it at that. Oddly, I feel better I really do. In part through slightly malicious 'You never did those things you said you'd do, you're no better than me' and in part 'Ok you're happy now that's cool'  The best way I can describe it is this scene in 'Love Actually'

Just the end bit where he says 'Enough now enough' things are finally closed and moved on. And that's how I feel this week. Partly through other things that have gone on this week in matters of heart and mind, I feel like things have settled again, and I can say 'enough now enough'

And with that sense of closure there's a sense of moving forward. I've been still both personally and in  som ways professionally for a while, stasis not forward motion. I've been slowly thinking about what I want from the future (normally I stumble blindly from one thing to another) and I'm finally getting concrete ideas. I know where I want to be going and hopefully slowly, surely I will get there.

For those who care/are interested what does the plan entail? Professionally: next two years-finish the PhD, speak at conferences (first one in April eep!) publish a paper and too add something to really shoot for possibly secure publication of a book. At the same time, gain expereince practically-build on work in theatre, keep writing get something performed.

Ten year plan? stay in academia? publish books? or jump ship back to the theatre? either way keep writing (both plays and academically) keep working I've developed a belief that I'll know the right oppotunities when they occur.

Personally? Move out of here (who am I kidding I want to do that right now), Leave Cardiff again I love my hometown but it's time to move on again-or it will be-maybe go back to London (the only other place that ever felt like home) or who knows where else.

And yes date someone, actually date someone. I've always dismissed it as a derrivitive and foolish aim to have but in an attempt to turn things around yes I plan to try harder.

And ten year plan? Yes settle somewhere else, and yes (and those who have known me for years prepare to fall down in shock) a marriage, a family they now factor into this. Who knew I was so normal underneath it all?


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