Skip to main content

Unravelling


For once I have no idea what this blog is about, other than to send my general dissatisfaction with the PhD (and therefore the world) out in to the void. 

Ever have one of those weeks when it feels like literally everything is unravelling before your eyes and there is nothing at all you can do about it? I’m having one of those.  Very specifically this week has seemed a focal point for all the utter chaos in my life and mind, though in fact perhaps its just been an ongoing phenomenon that is now reaching it’s height. Or perhaps its just a really really bad week. 

The specifics are full or the personally specific details I avoid carefully here to keep this blog fairly anonymous to the wider world. Suffice to say that my home and personal life is as much of a mess as my professional life at the moment.

Let’s start professional that’s so much easier....

A week ago I was midway through filling in an application form for another job, I had really and truly reached the point of ‘I can’t go on’. It was a job I’d have really liked...4 years ago. I was talking about strategies for finishing the PhD while doing other jobs that weren’t lecturing. Ultimately it was pride that stopped me , pride that wouldn’t let me go back to being an administrator  (albeit somewhere I’d have desperately wanted to work in both cases) That doesn’t mean I still don’t wonder if that was the right decision.
So why?
My teaching this term has made me miserable, and it’s nobody’s fault, if anything it’s mine for not being good enough. I’m still learning and part of me knows I’m good but I still fail occasionally and I don’t know how to fix it.
And my PhD, I’m drowning and stalled all at once. I can’t seem to make sense of anything and I don’t seem to be able to find the time or the headspace to do anything about it. And the more I can’t seem to get anything done, the more I panic. It’s like a huge white cloud has been stuck in my head for months, occasionally it parts and there’s a moment of clarity but then it’s back again and I’m blind. 

And for the rest... 

Is it possible to be simultaneously happier than you’ve ever been and at the same time more unhappy than you’ve ever been? Because that’s the best way to sum up how I feel right now. I have better friends than I’ve ever had I have a better social life than I’ve had in a long while (which actually isn’t saying much by most people’s standards) but I am not happy. 

I’ve lived at home far too long, both in the sense of coming back to my hometown and physically being at home. I feel stalled, like my life froze five years ago and the rest of my peer group are steaming ahead with all the things you’re supposed to be doing and I’m not. I can’t blame living at home, or I shouldn’t but I feel like I’ve missed my 20s already. How many times have I been horrendously drunk in the last 5 years? 3 maybe. How many dates have I been on? 3? 5? How many times have I skipped dinner or gone to bed after midnight for no good reason? Or gone away for a random weekend just because? It’s all silly and trivial but it isolates me from other people my age-and myself and what I do manage that well enough. I also just feel trapped, as if the years spent away-and I went far away and stayed away-never happened.  Sad though it is and busy as I am, I’m also quite lonely because I feel so disconnected from the experiences and lives of other people my age, and I wonder if I’ll ever catch up. 

My poor brain has gone into overdrive trying to process all this. No wonder I’m not getting any work done.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Theatre Fangirls (here we go again)

There's some arguments that come around and you think 'really? we're still talking about this?' but also you're not really surprised.

So when it was annoucned Tom Hiddleston was teaming up with Kenneth Brannagh for a production of Hamlet, it was inevitable that the cries of  'Silly fangirls' began. Once again we're confronted with comments that girls 'Only want to see it because he's in it' and 'Aren't interested in the play'.

And because I am a woman, therefore incapable of thinking of him other than in terms of his looks....here he above with a cat looking cute.

But just like Mr H there is both petting a cat, reading a newspaper and looking brooding, I'd like to point out that it's entierly possible to be interested in more than one aspect of a thing at the same time. And secondly I say so what the audience is just there to look at his cheekbones?

I don't have a horse in this race. I think Hiddles is a damn good ac…

Why Elliott & Harper is the company I've been waiting for

I can never resist a good (bad) pun in a title. As the first production from Elliott & Harper opens its doors for previews tonight, it’s worth pausing to think what this new production company means and why indeed we need more like it. Something of a ‘power house’ company formed of Marianne Elliott and Chris Harper. Both coming from the National Theatre- as Director and Producer respectively- there’s a real understanding of both the craft of theatre and the audiences that do- and don’t- come to it there. And theatre made by and produced by theatre people, in the commercial realm. That’s potentially very exciting.








Firstly, the act of two theatre people who really love theatre, really understand theatre both from an audience point of view and an artistic point of view. Secondly, one of the UK’s best directors striking out on her own to make theatre on her own terms. Thirdly, and you bet it’s an important factor, a woman artistic director. It’s all exciting, and has the potential, …

Holding the Man (some thoughts, not a review)

This isn't a 'review' because I saw this too close to the end of the run, but some plays make you want to put pen to paper regardless. It's also not a review, as this is filled with the kind of personal anecdotal nonsense that people tell me doesn't belong in my blog.

Well screw that, this is my blog, and for this one I'm writing it how I'd like.

A little background. For anyone who doesn't know me, I wrote my PhD in what essentially translates to 'Plays about AIDS'. There's a far more sophisticated description. But for the purposes of today, that about covers it. For anyone who wants more of that nonsense, my side blog is here

I started my PhD in September 2010. In June 2010 (June 21st, I looked it up. Yes I keep a list) I saw 'Holding the Man' for the first time. I actually had no idea what it was about going in, I was actually just a bit obsessed with Simon Burke at the time so booked to see him (what of it?). And so by accident …