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Birthdays


So Birthdays, they’re fun aren’t they?

Well not if when you were a kid it was the last weekend of the summer and everyone was on holiday (or worse you were stuck on holiday) so you didn’t really get a Birthday party? Then when you grow up and you haven’t got any friends to invite to a Birthday?

Oh and you’re a year older and that list of things you need to do is getting longer.

Well as I hate New Years Eve therefore refuse the customary reflection and resolution that brings I’m using my Birthday as a marker.

First let me say I had a great Birthday this year, I spent the weekend with my Mum in Stratford Upon Avon immersed in Shakespeare and seeing some excellent theatre (reviews coming soon). 

For my birthday I had some amazing gifts that indulged my geek persuasions! 



And I also spent the day with some lovely people (and was taken on a crazy boat ride)

So on reflection let me start with the negative (I’m aiming to end on a positive)

Career: finally taking baby steps forward but while other people are 5, even 10 years into their career I’m one year in and making painful progress. Then there’s the suffocating fear that another wrong decision has been made, that all those other things I wanted to do will never happen. The questions, should I stuck at other things longer? Should I go back to them? Will I ever do this or that? 

I admit that much of my career anxiety is writing related, although the PhD is a dream, my other dream no not even dream, aim I’ve had in life is writing. All I ever wanted to do since I firstly picked up a book and later saw a play. While the logical part of my brain tells me a PhD in English is not exactly a step away from that area the evil dark part still curses every waking moment spent not creating new work, or working towards doing something anything, writing related.

Living at home. I don’t have a drive to own my own home, frankly I couldn’t care less, however living at home at the age of 27 having left originally at 18 is not exactly progress. I love my Mum dearly, we’re great friends, we go lots of places together we share the same interests (well I’ve inflicted my interests on her to the point she’s become interested) But I’m 27 and I want, no I need my own space. Unfortunately this is something  we do inherently disagree on, yes I have my own space at home, yes I come and go as I please, but it’s not the same. 

Now that which could be considered negative but isn’t: Money, I’m not well off-I earn less than half of what most of my (non-PhD student) friends do (on a good day) but although frustrating when they want to do expensive things I can’t, it doesn’t make me unhappy. I get stressed about money, all the time worrying I can’t pay my fees or get through the year, but not unhappy. I only have to think of the office jobs that paid three times what I earn now and I’m so happy to have very little monetary reward for the freedom to do something I love. Cliché but true.  

And now, the big one. Pay attention some of you, this may be a surprise, you may need it spelled out in words of one syllable it’s a tricky one. I’m single. This doesn’t, repeat doesn’t make me unhappy. I am 27 years old and single and this is fine, it’s more than fine, it’s what I want. Finding a mate has never been a driving force in my life- while other people see potential husbands/wives/shags around every corner mostly it doesn’t enter my field of vision. I’m not un-romantic, though perhaps a little asexual, I believe love is a wonderful thing I love to see two people get together who make each other happy. I just choose to focus my energy elsewhere. And while I’m banging out the clichés I consider myself married to my work. 

Finally, to end on that promised positive note, the thing I am most happy with as I re-assess my life: My friends. All of you (if any of you read this) I don’t know that you know how happy you make me. I’ll be honest, because that’s what this blog is supposed to be for, this is the first time in far far too long to remember, perhaps if I’m really honest, ever, that I feel like I have real friends. It’s taken a long time to build up the little group of people I know I can rely on for support or silliness depending on the circumstance, some I’ve known a little while some a very short while, from all kinds of different places (literally geographically, and how/why I know you) but all of you are the reason I feel, overall if not happy then content, as another year passes me by.  


Comments

  1. I really need to start blogging again. I love this post, you're so right about doing what you love! I'm choosing a hard path too - working for a very new publishing company isn't without its troubles - but although paying the rent on time is never a sure thing, I'm excited about where my life is going.

    Thank you for saying that being in a relationship isn't everything. Sometimes I think people are so hung up on finding a partner that they forget to be a complete person without one.

    I know what you mean about feeling like you've got real friends for the first time. Me too. Moving in with this bunch of reprobates is one of the best decisions I've ever made!

    Hope you keep writing, I really enjoy reading your updates. Take care. x x

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  2. Great post Em I can relate to you on so many things! I'm currently unemployed and living back home... joy! I'm very broke & trying to get a job.. but still sort of confused what direction to go into.. & do I do a phd one day.. & what benefits that would bring, if any lol. Alas yes I do have love, but as you're well aware she's stuck in America!

    Thinking about it, I don't think I actually know what your sexual orientation is.. just presumed you're also in ladies haha. I think that it's great you're content and not one of those people that can't live when single, as that's just pathetic. No doubt you'll stumble across the right person and love will happen when it's meant to :)

    At least you get on very well with your mother and she's 'in' to your interests lol. Though pf course it never is the same as having your own place, but you're still fortunate to have a mother to fall back on. You'll move out when the time is right.

    Megan X

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  3. Both lovely ladies thanks so much for your comments, I appreciate it so, so much-I haven't been ignoring you I've been locked up in the archives this week!

    Anna-thank you for your kind words, and I'm glad you're happy with your job/home life-doing what you're supposed to or what gets most monetary reward isn't everything! Keep on keeping in touch-and yes get blogging! (and say hi to Ben for me too!)

    Megan-I feel your pain, at least I have half a job now that I like! But I've spent too long unemployed and living at home too :( I really hope you're getting closer to being reunited with Whitney too. As for sexual orientation that was a good point (you not knowing) that made me think a lot...and well er blog about it later

    Much love to both xxx

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